My DD aged 5 has been invited to a birthday party at a playcentre and my 3 year old DS didn't get an invite. I am feeling a bit unhappy about the situation as he will be so upset when he realises he won't be going. Not quite sure what to do.
Basically, DD has been having playdates with this little girl since the beginning of the summer. Either she comes to our house with her mum or we go to theirs and my little boy comes too. All three seem to enjoy themselves when together and both girls seem to accept DS being there and he joins in with the play.
Both girls didn't really know one another prior to playdates, it was just something that both of us mums said we would organise and see how things pan out. My gut feeling is that although both girls play well together it will fizzle out when they start school in September.
Anyhow back to the Birthday Party. My DD is delighted with herself. DS thinks he is going too. I will probably make myself unavailable on the day in question. I know her mum can't invite everybody, my DS is just too young to understand the situation and he will be heartbroken. It is the first time that he has ever been excluded from a party.
Just wondering what do other mums do. DaisyMay
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My two are younger so this scenario hasn't presented itself yet but no doubt will. I would let your dd go to the party and try and explain to your ds that it is a party for bigger girls and do something special with him whilst your dd is gone.
It is not fair that she misses out because he is not invited, she will never get to go to a party if that is the case.
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I would agree with PuterGirl.
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This will happen quite a lot when your dd starts school as she will probably get lots of party invites and your ds won't be invited.
Can you explain to your ds that it is just for big girls and then have a treat for him (maybe a coffee with mammy in a local coffeeshop or something ...it can be a big treat doing this when they are on their own iykwim).
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Thanks girls, for replies and advice. Still undecided, I am bouncing from letting her go to not letting her go. DH said that he will take DS out somewhere. I will have to stay with DD. (she is not comfortable about being left on her own just yet).
I have been thinking abit about when they start school and them both getting separate invites. It is just that they have always been together on this one, so I guess that is why I feel abit disappointed. Plus DS is very sensitve and the poor little thing will be heartbroken.
Oh the joys of being a mother, trying to keep everyone happy. DaisyMay
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I dont really see the problem tbh but then I have a big age gap so it isn't an issue.
However I wouldnt stop your dd from missing the party either.
Maybe it is a girls only party
dd2 had a party for her 4th birthday and it was a princess party so she didnt want boys which meant some of her girl cousins were invited but their brothers were not.... no problems nobody batted an eyelid...
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I know, the first few times are hard but it gets easier (they get used to it), and it won't be long before your ds gets his own invites.
I think it is harder when the younger sibling sees the friend as their friend too...they just don't understand.
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IMHO It would be very unfair not to allow your DD to go to the party as your DS will be disappointed - what about your DD been heartbroken about not be let go?
Sarah.
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Have to agree with the previous posters. I wouldnt stop dd going as she is looking forward to it and it would be unfair on her. I would let your dh take him out and go with dd.
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totally agree with posters above
ah let her go - your dh and ds can have boys time
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I would let your dd go. If shes starting school in September this will probably become a more frequent occurance (sorry )
We did have a similar situation this time last year only it was SIL who said that dd was invited to her (boy) cousins birthday and although DS (almost 3 at the time) was welcome to come, she'd prefer if he didn't -WTF!!! so all the cousins went including dd and everyone else was wondering where ds was and SIL piped up oh he was too young for the playcentre. I am planning my revenge he had a better time out shopping alone with me while the party was on and I didn't have a headache from sitting there for 2 hours .
another alternative for you is to stay at the centre and pay separately for ds to play too. Plenty of mums at parties dd as been to have done this.
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If you do something special with him while shes at the party - I don't think he will mind to much - maybe the playcentre/playground?
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Girls, I probably will let her go. It is not until the weekend after next so plenty of time to think about things. It is just that this is the first time I have found myself in this situation. I am quite a sensitive soul, so that is probably where DS gets his sensitivity from. Midi, you have hit the nail on the head. DS does see this little girl as his pal too and he won't understand. I suppose it is all part of life and the more these situations arise, the easier the understanding will come. DaisyMay
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I agree with the other posters and would put another angle on it. I am separated and have a DS who is 6 and a DD who is just 5. When one is invited I just explain to the other they can't go and we do something separately. It also requires explaining to the one going to the party that they'll have to stay without me - this used to be a problem but they quickly weigh it up and decide to stay. My XH on the other hand shows up with the two and just assumes they can both go which I think is quite shocking for the host - the cost of those parties is quite expensive so I think it is unfair to put the host under pressure to pay for another child just because on playdates (which are free) they are there as a sibling. It will certainly become a greater problem when they start school so you're as well to introduce the concept now. Your DS will probably have a lovely time with your DH and maybe you don't have to link one to the other i.e. get him off with DH for treat before you even head off for party.
It's great that your two play together so well - it's a credit to you - but being invited separately is part of growing up and they'll be fine.
Hope your DD enjoys the party if you decide to send her.
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How did your DS find out there was a party?
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Flossy, I would be very annoyed if a similar situation happened here with a family member, especially as most of the playcentres have areas for smaller children to play safely, enjoy your revenge. I did think about asking the other mum if I could bring DS and I would pay for him, but I feel that I might put her in an awkward situation especially when it comes to handing over the money.
The little girl knocked on our door yesterday with her mum and handed the invite to DD. DS was at the door aswell.
Any of the parties that my two have gone to up till now have been cousins parties, close neighbours and my own friends children's parties so it has been all inclusive. I guess it is a sign that my DD is growing up and heading off in her own little direction. DH said that on the day of the party he will make sure that he leaves the house first with DS.
Sometimes, I have a habit of letting my heart rule my head instead of the other way around and it is always nice to get other peoples perspective on a situation. DaisyMay
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Yes, I have been in the same situation with my DS (5) and DD (3.5). It's very hard, but it's life. I had to dream up some nice things for DD and I to do together while DS went to a party... she was very upset and talked about how she wasn't invited to X's party for a long time afterwards - weeks! But she has to get over it, and I have to help her. As other posters have said, in time she'll be invited to parties that DS won't be invited to. But it's always harder on the younger sibling as they are striving to get out there and be with / do what their older sibling is doing. It's up to us to soften the blow but introduce the idea of separation I suppose.
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Oh this happens to my girls all the time.
If the party is in a Play Centre the problem is easily solved, just arrive and pay for your DS. It wont be awkward for the mum of the birthday girl, she will just chat to your DD while the staff sort out you paying separately. The only catch here is at the end your DD will get a party bag and your DS will not so maybe have a party bag made up for him in your handbag
The more difficult situation I have found is when the party is at a house and I arrive with the 2 DDs and only the invited one gets to go in obviously (I usually leave the other one in the car for the few minutes it takes to drop off), it's always hard for the other one but we always do something together then for the couple of hours the party is on...usually involves a trip to Smyths and more expense but I am sure there are other cheaper ways to entertain your DS!!
If your DD is not happy about you leaving her at the party then make a big fuss about how she is a big girl and you must nip to the bank for money and will be back in 5 minutes, once she is running around with her friends she will be fine (in my experience).
Of course if your DH is going to take your DS for some "boy's time" I would definitely go down that route!!
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This situation sounds pretty normal to me. There will be lots more of this ahead of you, and there will also come a time when your DS will get an invitation and your DD won't. Swings and roundabouts.
Hope your DD enjoys the party and your DS has lovely boy-time with your DH.
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I agree with the other posters, I think it would be unfair to your DD not to let her go to her friends party. It is going to happen a lot over the years and I think it will be nice that your DD has 'her own' friends. If you really wanted to bring your DS you could always pay for him going in, bring your DH with you and he can mind DS while your DD has the party food etc but to be honest you might be better off just letting him have a day out with your DH
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I think it would be unfair not to let your daughter go. She is 5 her brother is only 3-thats a big difference at that age. This will come up time and time again over the years. About him being a "sensitive soul"- all 3 year olds want what their older siblings have-thats normal.
I would never bring my child to a play centre party that they have not been invited to. It doesn't matter if you are paying for them-they are not invited why would you bring them? Don't you think that older children should be allowed to enjoy some time with their friends without the younger ones tagging along? What kind of message is it giving to the younger child? That they can go wherever they want if they kick up enough fuss? Not a great message really is it? Also, its not just about the play centre part-lots of play centre parties have food before or after and thats paid for per child by the host-for those of you who think its ok to take your child along uninvited-do you just keep your child out of the party room or let them in to eat with the other children and the host ends up paying anyway?
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Girls, the present has been purchased, DD is all excited and looking forward to Saturday. We have been chatting away to DS and DD over the past couple of days about separate parties etc. DS seems to accept that he won't be going and is looking forward to his trip out with DH. DaisyMay.
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Good solution!! Hope both your DD and DS enjoy their day!
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DaisyMay I think you have come to the right decision and also have your DS well prepared and he'll have a great time with his Dad.
A friend through school has 2 same age gap as yours also boy/girl they are 7&9 now and 1 is not allowed to even go on a playdate if the other is not invited, they have to go everywhere together and I don't think that is great for either 1 as they both miss out on so much. Another friend rang to ask if her DS could come to the cinema to see a boys movie, she said could her DD not come too but she said unfortunately she had no space in car so she said No even though other friend offered a different trip following week for the DD. Kids have to learn they are not invited to everything and also that they gain as well as lose.
So good on you.
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