love

alone in school yard

Question:

my heart is breaking here.
I think my dd is on her own in the yard all the time,but its so hard trying to get information out of a 4 yr old .She's just started junior infants.
I've been asking her each day who she was playing with and she always says...lets say mary.(the girl who lives on my rd and in dds class) but today mary was here playing in my house,they were talking about school, mary says i was sitting beside someone new today and i was playing with...lets say karen...in the yard today....
i thought to myself hmmmm....dd said she was playing with mary. i said to dd who were u playing with,mary said nobody,dd says nobody will play with me. mary says she always plays on her own,but i will play with her tomorrow. when i had dd alone i said do u always play on your own she said yes nobody will play with me,they run off on me
she said teacher doesnt care that i have nobody(with her head down not looking at me and speaking very quietly) to play with
help, this was a big fear of mine dd being left out,what do i do,I know I can't make children play with her, but what do i do,do i say it to teacher. help
Answers:
Hiya Mummyto1,
My two were both like this when they started, I find it takes them a bit of time to settle in & make friends. My ds is in second class & found it took until late in senior infants to really make friends. My dd is in senior infants & has make a few friends now but last year she used to tell me she played with nobody, I spoke to teacher & she told me she plays with someone every day so I drove by school when they were in the yard & there she was playing with some other kids. I'd speak to her teacher & give her time to settle in & find her feet, I know it's heartbreaking when you think they are left out.
HTH
Answers:
Hi Mummyto1
Ds1 was exactly like this too when he started school. Every day I'd ask him who he was playing with at school, and he said no-one wanted to play with him. After about 3 weeks of this I met with his teacher, she said it wasn't true! She said that he had been playing with different people every day, but that sometimes when kids are on their own for a few minutes that might be all they remember. I'm sure she'll find some friends soon, maybe you could invite someone else over to play.
Answers:
I would speak to the teacher about it just to put your mind at ease. I would also stop asking her about it so much - she must realise that you are a bit concerned about it and it may be adding more pressure. If she is happy going into school, is eating her lunch and learning things then that to me are signs that all is well. (If those things aren't happening definitely speak to the teacher).
Answers:
I really hope she's not always left alone but what's worrying me is that i have often asked who she played with and she always said "Mary" but now "mary" is telling me dd is always on her own
she went to playschool last yr and didnt really befriend one particular person there either. She has a slight probem with her speech and im worrying that this turns other kids off her so to speak iykwim as they wouldnt always understand her she is on a speech therapy waiting list and i am in talks with them at the moment.
i dont like this schoool business at all at all,I'm not able!!!
even in the morning some of the kids are palying and talking while waiting for the bell but nobody ever comes over to dd even coming out of school she's never chatting to anyone coming out
Answers:
mary e thats another concern,the first wk and a half she went into school no bother but since then it has been hard to get her into the classroom,she is clinging onto me and doesnt want me to go
Answers:
If she is in junior infants shes only in school a little more than 3 weeks. I can assure you its totally normal for junior infants to spend some lunch breaks alone (as terrible as it may sound!) for the first 4-6 weeks especially if its a big school.
My DD was the exact same last year. I was concerned and worried that she was going to be a loner and left out but I just encouraged her each day asking her who she played with, what she played and being up beat about anytime she named a child she played with.
It takes them time to settle and find there feet. With DD's school there is around 150 kids in the yard with just junior senior and first class in that yard and if they played chasing or anything they would just loose who they were playing with as there are so many children.
Would you consider asking the teacher who she sits beside at school and invite them over to play with your LO?
Maybe ask the teacher how she is interacting in class and participating?
Answers:
Definitely speak with her teacher about this. She may be just unaware that its happening. DD1 had the same thing when she started, we thought she had befriended one girl in particular but after a few days she got upset and said the girl had run off with another etc. Teacher couldnt have been more helpful and understanding. She moved the class around the following day (as was planned to happen anyway) so DD1 got to sit with new girls. She got them all to play a game in the yard together and encouraged DD1 to play with another little girl. I could see the improvement in DD1 pretty much straight away. Now she's in SI, she plays with different girls every day, some even from older classes, and she is so much more confident in herself.
I agree with MaryE also, I wouldnt keep asking her about it (as hard as it is not to) as what might not seem like an issue to her, will once its put into her head iykwim. I really have to hold myself back from asking DD1 who she played with or what she did, and trust that if she has a worry she will tell me herself (and she usually does). Really hope you get it sorted though, its so tough when they start school fine and problems set in afterwards.
Answers:
My DD is the same .. I spoke with teacher (as she was being bullied but an exuberant young brat who was twisting her hands and punching/boxing her!!) .. and she "engineered" a friend for her to play in the yard!! She's happier now .. but still says no one wants to play with me and teacher doesn't care (but in fact teacher has assured me that sometimes H wants to be on her own!! and doesn't want to play with the others .. which is fine!!)
Hope she settles soon - oh and by the way kids that age really don't notice anything different .. DD sits beside a boy with cerebral palsy and has never mentioned anything about it!!!
Answers:
its a small school.18 ish in the class 105ish in the whole school.
After the first wk i asked about dd's participation teacher said she always joins in and is very enthusiastic.
The teacher has moved everyone around about 4 times now today being the first day of a new place for dd again .is this what generally happens in junior infants?
Answers:
mummyto1 I would say the moving around that much in the first while is too much.
DD got moved around once a month for the first year. It was enough to be honest. I think the once a week moving around is too much and wouldnt be happy about that at all.
Answers:
Definitely agree that moving every week is WAY too much. DS1 was in JI last year and think they moved maybe 6 times in the whole year or something like that. Every week is WAY too much and IMO makes it harder for the LO's to settle and make friends at 'their table'.
Have a quiet word to the teacher. A little chat about making sure no one is left out on yard and things like that should help.
Lami
Answers:
DD1s school is bigger but JI, SI and 1st class are the only ones in her playground so easy enough to keep an eye on.
I would think moving them around weekly is too much, although that has happened this year with DD1 and she loves it. Getting to interact more with other girls in her class. Last year it was just once a month though. Some months couldnt pass quick enough iykwim! Maybe moving so often is whats unsettling her. I definitely dont think it would do any harm to have a little chat with the teacher though.
Answers:
I could have written word for word what you posted. DS1 would tell me he was alone and nobody wanted to be my friend. we got an attic conversion and live 5 doors up from the school. First thing I did was hang out the window whenever I could to see if I can see him. He has a very distinguished hair colour (very very blonde). I could see him messing and playing with his pals. I would again ask him how was his day and who did he play with "Nobody would play with me". I know exactly how you are feeling as I was so worried about him. The twins say the same thing to me that they played with nobody and I know it's not the case as I have seen it with my own eyes.
Hope this helps it's like they know how to press our buttons. I would still have a word with the teacher as unlike me you can't see for yourself.
Answers:
mummyto1
We had this with S too at the start she said no one would play with her, and only for the fact that on her induction day in June she told us that everyone got up from her table and went to another one, when DH had clearly seen other kids at the table, I'd have been crying my eyes out, this went on for the first week and a half then I asked the teacher how S was getting on, telling her that she said no one would play with her, and that she was playing with the older girls, teacher said she'd keep an eye on things to see who she was playing with, and the following week she told me that S was playing away with all of the kids and she was a confident little girl! So I've asked no more, she seems happy but some day next week I might take a walk with DH past the school to see what she's up to!!
I think the teachers can't really tell if theres one child thats not playing with anyone unless you let them know then they can keep an eye out to see if they are actually on their own!
Answers:
I really hope your DD settles in, but in the mean time, are there any activities she could join where she might meet her classmates out of hours?
DS1 plays hurling and meets loads there. Maybe there is camogie/irish dancing/ballet locally?
Answers:
I think it takes time for the little ones to settle in & as someone said above, a few moments alone can mean to them that they've not been playing with anyone. I always ask ds who he's been playing with (all as part of 'how was your day') & he used to reply 'I don't know their names' but now he's getting to know all the names so he can tell me who's who. Maybe your dd can't remember the names of the other kids?
Just on the speech thing, I doubt that the other kids have even noticed tbh. I know for a fact that my ds wouldn't notice.
Answers:
this sounds very like what I went through when dd1 started school last year, and tbh in hindsight it was more me getting worked up about it than her,shes only 4 and sometimes they will play alone and they most likely will play between different groups everyday. dd1 will still say to me she only played with x today, but a couple of times when I forgot her lunch or was passing I had a quick look in the yard and she was runnig around in the middle of it all. I feel i constantly "annoyed" and pressurised her constantly asking her "who did you play with " everyday and sometimes it was just easier to say noone:-D try ask more questions like,did you have fun in school today,what did you learn.
I found the whole starting school thing very hard emotionally (i'd also just had a baby) but shes now a very happy well settled senior infant:)
Answers:
This happened to DS the first few days he started school, took me a few days to actually realise I should ask him and then found out he was on his own, felt ever so guilty
Said it to the teacher, she introdued him to a group of boys and kept an eye on him for a few days to make sure he wasn't alone, thankfully we've never had a problem again.
Hoping it's the same for your lo.
Answers:
I think this can be our biggest worry when they start school. It was certainly mine. DD's speech had been behind when she was in playschool and I think it did make a few of the girls leave her out, although it never seemed to bother the boys as much. I used to ask her who she played with, then I switched to asking her what did she play in the yard but finally stopped as she was becoming conscious of it. I'd say it to the teacher and see if she helps set her up with someone. It's a pity they move tables so much. It can make it hard to know who to invite over to play. If your house could stand 18 children in it, I'd definitely have them all over for her birthday party. It can take a few weeks for them all to see who they click with. DD is now best friends with someone I would consider to be her complete opposite. But if it works for them...
Answers:
Thanks for replies
I quickly mentioned it to teacher this morning and she said she noticed there are a few of them who are left on their own when she(the teacher) is not out there,she said when she is out there she encourages them to play together.i will talk to he in more detail after school.
Its actually worrying me more because dd has not been saying she is playing with nobody she has always said a name. so she is lieing about it
Hopefully I'll figure out something with the teacher later

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