love

My 4 year old says she hates me

Question:

I've been upset all day after my DD who is only 4 told me she hated me this am. She has always been a demanding child and when her baby brother arrived 8 months ago, things have escalated. At first I put it all down to jealousy and rivalry. She was always very attached to me. She would be over the top loving him and then over the top, being 'at' him, pinching, hitting, being generally rough. This all evened out when he was about 5-6 months, but the last few weeks have been bad again. For no reason, she will give him a thump, (which is what happened this morning). Because I am sick of giving out to her and she not listening, I ignored her, comforted him, and blanked her desperate attempts for attention. This resulted in her saying that she hated me. I just ignored this also. DS is on the other hand a very docile, lovely, lovely baby and I don't want her 'corrupting' him with her behaviour. What can I do, how can I discipline her in a way to get through to her without screaming or worse, resorting to slapping her. How can I also restore my relationship with her. I spend lots of time with her at the weekends, bringing her to the playground for one on one time. She is otherwise in a full-time creche, which she loves and thrives in. But I can see a future where the two of us could always end up having a difficult relationship which is not what I envisaged for us. Does anyone have any advice?
Answers:
My dd used to say this to me all the time at around the same age and all I used to say back was.'Thats fine but I still love you' very calmly.It used to drive her potty and she soon gave up trying to upset me!
Answers:
Yes definitely, I second what what mini said - she was upset she didn't get the attention she had thought she'd recieve and wanted to upset you back.
Answers:
Sounds to me like you did everything right.
There is a good parenting forum on channel 4 (supernanny stuff)
http://www.channel4.com/health/microsit ... asics.html
It might give you more info on what the appropriate response is etc I think mini is probably spot on with her answer.
hth
Answers:
DS said it to me recently and I was taken aback when he said it. He has his moments of course but he is usually a quiet well-mannered little boy. He started school this year so figured maybe it was coming from that.
I didn't want to argue with him, I thought if he is old enough to say it, he is old enough to know its not nice, so I told him it wasn't a nice thing to say to anyone and that no-one hated him but if someone did tell him they hated him it would make him feel sad.
Like mini, I told him I still loved him and I hoped I would never hear him say those words again to anyone.
I haven't heard them since. Thank god!
Answers:
Mini, thats exactly what I used to say to my DS when he used said it. He is 18 now but still loves me
Answers:
Thank you all, I will definitely try that !
Answers:
Oh I know how you feel.
Your Dd only said this to get your attention as you were ignoring her, but thats the best thing to do in a situation like that. When mine have said this Ive sometimes said to them "Well I love you!!" . Sometimes you will find that when you start a new way of doing things like ignoring or using time out they will actually become worse for a short time. Its like they are putting it all to the test. Stick to your guns though and ignore her when shes naughty, then get her to apoligise afterwards to you and her brother by giving hugs etc. Ive been doing the naughty step with my Ds for the last few months now and I find it great for both of us, saves me getting all stressed giving out to him. In the beginning it was hard to make him stay there, but keep trying and it dose work.
Best of Luck

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