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Do you ever shout at your children?

Question:

Sometimes, not all the time, I get so mad with him for things that are only typical of a child his age, he's in to everything, that I end up shouting at him. I don't agree with it but I can't help it. I'm impatient at the best of times. How can I learn to be patient?
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I have...when he climbed on Celia when I was on the other side of the room I bellowed at O to get off, there has been a couple of other times..like when he poured his cup of milk over his head and the floor. Most times I just bite my tongue if I have to I go upstairs & scream into a pillow if I'm getting really frustrated! When I feel the agression or tension building I offset it by marching around the block with the buggy or doing 50 sit-ups...just taking a time out can help too - put the kids in a safe place & take five in another room... hth xxxxxxx
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All the time I'd say practically every day but it is usually when they won't stop and are practically killing each other.
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yes,
i am only human.
i do try not to, but there are occasions when i would let a roar, for situations when a child needs to know they have big time overstepped a boundary!
but, beacuse i try not to do it on a regular basis (i always try to take a second to evaluate if the desire to shout is coming from my reasons - tirednedd, stress etc, or if it is a situation which deserves a good roar!!), when i do let a roar, they know i mean business!

if a child is really testing the limits it's helpful to ask yourself the following questions before intervening-
what am i feeling now?
what does the child feel/need/or want?
how best do i respond to the situation.
it really does help.
Answers:
Thanks Mand, I feel so awful, like I'm going to do damage to him or something. He's a lovely child as they all are, I think my actions may cause me more trouble in the long run. I'm on my own with him a lot more than I used to be, we used to live with my parents, now I have housework to do, dinner to cook etc, whereas I used to go home from work and play with him for the evening. So maybe we both need time to adjust! Maybe I will try screaming in a pillow
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Thanks girls.
Gertrude I'll try that too, I have to take a step back when he does something and I'd say a majority of the time it won't justify shouting at him. I'd rather keep shouting for when it's really needed too! I think at the moment he's actually getting used to it. I don't know why I do it when I end up feeling so ashamed of myself
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My GHod....When I go quiet they get scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't help it,even done the parenting courses.What a bad mother am I???
Lorac
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I know exactly what you mean - kids test us to the absolute limit, especially if you are with them 24/7. I have to get some decent me time or I start to go into melt-down...maybe a night off with the your son at a friend or relatives or someone babysitting while you spend the day spoiling yourself would help?
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alice,
i have found in the past, that during periods when i thought the kids were behaving badly, it actually was me being stressed that was causing a domino effect.
ie im stressed, sad, feeling tired or down, dont pick up on the kids cues, things gradually spiral, and i end up getting frustrated, annoyed, shout, etc.
none of us are perfect, this parenting lark is bloody hard!
im still making mistakes, but at least if i recognise im off form, i can do something about it .
iykwim?
Answers:
I think it's so difficult. My eldest is getting used to me shouting now 'cause I really don't know what to do half the time. I only said to DH this morning we have to re-evaluate how we get them to know that we mean business.
I get very upset with myself at times 'cause they are only kids and really don't understand the true effect of what they are doing has on us as parents. It's only natural that the parents get freaked out!!!!
I know people who are so calm with their kids too and don't know how they do it.
My kids aren't bold per say but I think what boils my blood more than anything is when I ask them to do something and eldest just blatantly ignores me and lately gives me cheek and then youngest just keeps telling me NO! all the time. she has absolutely no fear and winds me up but at the same time she's a real mammy's girl and is the most affectionate little girl ever.
TBH I just tell myself it's a learning process and try my best and keep telling myself I'm a good mother and doing the best for my kids.
Marisa
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Alice, honey, we are only human and the advice given by Mand and Gertrude is great. I try to do that too. I really only shout if he consistently disobeys me or if he's about to do something dangerous or really over the line. I have, however, snapped at him for my own reasons (tiredness, stressed, whatever) but I try to also apologise straightaway and explain that it was my fault. The other times I shout and he doesn't like it, I simply tell him, "then do what I tell you the first time and I won't have to shout". He usually accepts this quite happily!
Go easy on yourself, hon - the odd raised voice won't do them any harm!
Lami
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yes yes yes! Thank you. That is exactly what I was thinking. I work - that's time away from DS but it's not me time. By the time he goes to bed at night I'm too tired for me time or I have too much house work to do to relax. I haven't been out in ages and ages. My dad babysat DS on saturday for a few hours while I went to work for an hour and hoovered upstairs and washed the floors - jobs I can't do with DS around. I've just emailed my best friend to see if she wants to do something Friday evening, hopefully she'll say yes! I've asked my parents to take DS over night.
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Sounds like a plan to relax! Every time you feel yourself getting annoyed just picture yourself out on Friday!
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Thanks Lami. I feel so much better now, I'm really glad I posted this here, I was a bit ashamed to but it's something that's been on my mind for a few weeks now, or whenever we have an episode resulting with lost patience!!
I have a firm yes from the besotted grandparents who would gladly take him over night - they still miss him a lot - we only moved out 5 weeks ago. And the best friend is up for a girly night of good food, booze and a chat. I can't wait!!
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Now THAT is the perfect solution. God Bless supportive parents!! My Mom lives in the West but visits regularly and my sister lives in Dublin and is our best (and most willing!) babysitter ever. Good on ya, girl! And try to do it as often as you can - you really do need it, especially when you're trying to cope on your own.
Don't suppose there's anyone who could give you a dig out with the housework regularly? I found that a godsend when I had DS. In any case, if you work in the necessary amount of "me" time you should find it all a bit easier to cope with and DS will adore being spoiled by his grandparents.
Lami
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Hi like Gertie I stop and ask myself before I roar 'Is it me or them?' if its me I take the calm approach and if its them well I roar damn loud!
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when mommy becomes quiet the kids know that they are in big big huge trouble lol.
I shout most of the time a fishmonger is what my mother calls me .
I know at times it is my mood but i also know that if i don't shout at them i will end up giving them a clatter which i don't like.
I think it does depend on what type of shouting you do at children sometimes it can be worse what you say to them than physical abuse.
I have heard some really disgusting things being shouted at kids and i think sometimes would a smack on the hand have been better.
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I think what I shout isn't too bad thank god, just the usual, stop it and that's bold and don't do that. I still feel shouting at a 22 month old borders on abuse though. What's the point like? He doesn't understand and thinks Mammy is gone mad. My lovely baby. I have to stop. I def think slotting in the me time will work. My brilliant supportive parents love to have him like, though I'm wary of taking advantage and my mum minds him while I work too so I feel she should have her breaks.
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My grandmother told me that when she was a little girl, she got angry at her parents because they never shouted like her friend's family - she thought the shouting was a lot more interesting.
Now my grandmother was not a shouter in raising my mother, so not sure where she learned it, but my mother and sister used to scream and yell at each other all the time (I took it up as a teenager for a little while, then realized that going silent annoyed my mother more). In fact, I used to dread Sundays as it seemed like they had the whole day free to yell at each other. My sister still raises her voice at people, but if you match her tone, she snaps "There is no yelling in my house!"
I don't think shouting will really screw up kids - both my sister and I are very high functioning. I don't think we're more screwed up than anyone else - maybe even a little bit less... The only thing I would have to say as someone who grew up in a very shouty household is that if you get into the habit, you keep having to escalate the volume in order to be listened to. DH and I are both very quiet people and I worry will my usual response when I'm piqued - going very quiet and cool - actually be worse for kids.
I guess there's no right answer.
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With dd I don't cos she's only small and really has no understanding. DS though... I try to stay calm but sometimes he drives me demented. It's as if he'll keep pushing till I roar at him. I think he's saving it all up so when he's a teenager he can claim he wasn't loved lol
Say this morning for example..
Wakes up, groans and refuses to get out of bed. Then spends 10 minutes complaining about having to wear slippers. Then moans about the colour socks I took out of his drawer (in an effort to get out on time since he was moaning so much). Then refused to drink the orange juice I'd bought cos it had bits in, moaned about being tired, and complained about having karate tonight. Then refused to open his mouth for dh to brush his teeth. Then refused to get dressed. This is from a seven year old! Now I know he's normally not like that but at 7 o'clock on a Monday morning it's damn hard not to snap. For once I stayed calm, but normally there'd be no hope!
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I am so glad that I've read these posts. I do shout, because I just have absolutely no patience left when they (well DS1 more) do not listen to me.
I really thought that I was a terrible mother because I let it get the better of me. So thank you, I am normal after all!!!!

We are only human!!!
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Wow - wiggly woo - I spent the weekend wondering that if I posted a topic on thiswould someone call the social services on me.... It is so hard - and i suppose trying to figure out how effective it will be is tough too.
Cha Cha - I could have written your post!
I have started the Coutning to ten approach (I can count really fast! ).
But you know what - my mum shouted at me and her mum before her - and we are all here to tell the tale!
Answers:
I have to practice deep breathing, counting to 10, try to see the funny side etc. until the initial urge to roar passes. And, of course it does pass within seconds. We have all sorts of games to get DD to obey us, trying to keep the tone light, and save the time outs for the serious misdemeanours. For example, if I ask her to do something, and she doesn't do it, I say 'I bet you won't be able to X before I count to 3', and generally she races to beat the clock. She is also highly motivated by stickers for good behaviour, she loves praise, and she hates time outs. A combination of these things gets us through the days. I assume we'll have to come up with new & better ways to motivate her as she gets older.
The best way to learn to stop shouting is to have an alternative plan worked out in advance. I mean you have to do something if a child is being naughty, or doing something dangerous, or doesn't understand you, won't listen to you, or is just tired & frustrated and lashing out. So, rather than shouting, make a list of other ways to deal with the situation. Follow through on any 'threats' you make (of course don't make ridiculous threats). And most important of all, be consistent.
You know the way you said your little boy is into everything. Why not reserve a drawer in the kitchen for stuff he can take out & fling around the floor e.g. tupperware. We also let DS root around in the cabinet containing the videos. He can't really do any damage to them and it only takes a minute to tidy them up again.
Having said all that, it is impossible not to shout some of the time. Don't beat yourself up about it. Time away by yourself is a lifesaver. Nobody could remain calm minding children day in day out without a break.
Answers:
Hi wiggly woo,
That situation where you're coming home in the evening and dividing yourself between playing on the floor and coming up with something to eat is really stressful!
What I have found is that it is better that dd makes a mess (which I can clean up when she's gone to bed) than me getting stressed.
I try to get dd (3yrs just) to "help" me with things. I give her things to "mix" or "stir" if I'm cooking dinner. During the nightmare period when my dishwasher was broken (!) and I had to wash the breakfast dishes before organising dinner, I used to give her a bowl with water in it, and she would wash her plastic tea set. Or she "sets" the table, carrying stuff that won't break (her own toddler cutlery for example) over to the table. It's a lesson I learned from my mum who minds my nieces- get them busy, give them a job, keep them occupied doing something they think is useful, and it really works!
Recently though I have been really trying to cook dinners in advance- I always have a chicken in the oven on Sunday evening in prep for Monday's dinner, etc.
Best of luck!!!!

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